The Fantasy of Mother’s Day

Last year was my ‘first’ Mother’s Day…it was the day I decided to divorce my own mother.

I was 7 months pregnant and going down the internet rabbit hole of Mother’s Day clicky links when I came across an article discussing mothers with narcissistic personality disorder, which led me to Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

I cannot describe the cold chill that settled in my chest, or the sense of horrified enlightenment I experienced in that moment.  Suddenly, everything made sense.  And, just as suddenly, I realized that she would never change, never get better, and never be the mother I had always yearned for.

My Apologies, Gymboree

I was referred to the gymboree by internet strangers when I was trying to arrange cooperative child care with another stay-at-home parent.

“Go forth to the gymboree!” they said, and I thought “What on earth could my baby, who cannot walk or crawl yet, do at the gymboree??”

How I Stop From Abusing My Child (part 3)

I have high standards.

Apparently I have very high standards as a parent.  This was a shock to me because I thought what I was doing made sense; I considered myself to be a ‘common-sense’ parent.

Why would you give a baby Tylenol if he wakes up screaming without (1) checking to see if he is hot/cold, (2) checking his diaper, (3) offering him a bottle, (4) walking around a bit first?  How does this mean I have high standards??  The same woman who kept giving him Tylenol was also just plopping him in front of the TV if he cried.  What?!

How I Stop From Abusing My Child (part 2)

I don’t force a schedule.

I discovered very quickly that anytime I needed to rush my son to get somewhere, I was gonna have a bad time.  I found myself highly anxious and stressed, and that frustration brought my anger to the boiling point.  Not only did I need to be somewhere, I wanted to meet my obligations so I wasn’t inconveniencing anyone else simply because I was now ‘a mother with an infant’.

Particularly if I am trying to him ready by myself.

How I Stop From Abusing My Child (Part 1)

As a child of an abusive home, I discovered that, no, I had not escaped unscathed from the physical and emotional abuse of my parents; I knew that becoming a parent would be risky.  Incredibly risky.

Love is Not Infinite

We fall in love, we fall out of love.  People who promised to love each other until the end of their days can be rancorously divorced within a decade.  But with children it is supposed to be different.

And yet.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice.

In order to make a difficult decision, Reddit user pinkybones decided to make a list of things that are true.  And then it took off.